Time Alone

As a kid and a teen, I HATED to be alone. I didn't know how to be alone as the opportunity rarely presented itself being the oldest of 9 kids. I have always been social and wanted to be with people rather than by myself. As I get oldER I find that I quite enjoy my alone time.

Don't get me wrong...I love my husband and son with all my heart! I love my work and I couldn't ask for better friends and family. But this weekend, I had a night to myself (home from camping and Sam was still backpacking). I put Ethan to bed and was as giddy as a school girl with the idea that I could do WHATEVER I wanted for AS LONG as I wanted to. I think it's tied to the idea that I tend to control so much in my life, it's odd for me to let myself be. As moms, wives, sisters, daughters, and social humans, we sacrifice, we consider others, and we make our decision based on the others in our immediate circle...and we should. Our actions affect others in such a way that we have to live our lives with that in mind. In fact...the people who don't consider others before making their decisions drive me crazy! :)

So...what did I do? I read my book. I watched a movie. I drank a beer. I played on the computer. I sat in the dark and watched the lightning and listened to the little bit of thunder roll through. I slept wonderfully!

I used to hate to be alone with my thoughts. I let myself boss me just as much as I boss others and seek for control. So, this past weekend during my hiking and camping adventure with a great friend, she helped me to see a lot about myself. I would like to try to back off. Back off of my family and friends and also give myself a little more lee-way. I work so hard to have everything under control. My family, my work, my home, and myself. What happens is I end up unhappy. That's part of my negativity and pessimism. If I expect everything, I will be disappointed and unhappy with the results most of the time. Not that I can't have high expectations of myself and others, but I think I need to work on what those high expectations might be and how I can learn to deal with things when they don't go as planned.

Leaving me alone with myself seemed to have done a world of good this time. :) I am looking forward to a year that is full of excitement and learning and maybe I can learn to let go along the way.

I have a new appreciation of my family and friends now that I have spent some time with myself. :)

I enjoyed my time alone. I have some work to do. Letting go of control...on some small level to start. We'll see how it goes.