30 is the new 20

So, they say that 30 is the new 20. While this may not be true for some, it's definitely true for me! Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't re-live my 20's if someone paid me to. Not that I didn't have a great time and I really don't have too many regrets, but just thinking about it makes me tired.

My 20s were spent gaining 60 pounds in 9 months, getting into debt, drinking, skipping school, and flunking classes because I didn't want to go to them. Really, my 20s were spent making decisions that would affect the rest of my life. My 30's have so far been full of more fun things such as getting OUT of debt, losing 40 pounds in 7 months, drinking, teaching school and grading classes that 20 year olds don't want to come to.

My siblings say I am judgmental. I am...it's one of my flaws. But I have finally come to understand what my parents meant about watching someone make decisions as someone who has been down that road before and knows the better way. It's hard to want things for people that they can't understand the benefits of or things they don't want for themselves. That's where my judgmental attitude comes in. It's not that I am "judging" their decisions. Most of the time, it's that I see the path they will be on down the road if they make that decision because I have been there and paid the price already.

I have noticed this as a generational difference. I, being a 30-something, want the world. I want everything for everyone. My family, my friends, myself...I want the best of all of it and I go after it. I also try (too hard) to guide others toward their happiness. My mom, a representative of the next generation, also wants the world for people. She wants the best for all her friends and family, but she has learned that she can't MAKE people do it. She has learned that she can't HAND people their happiness (as hard as she tries at times). She, in her 50-somethings, is coming to terms with this fact. My grandfather will act as the representation of the next generation up. He just smiles and shakes his head. In his 80-somethings, he has learned that people have to walk the walk for themselves. He has learned, accepted, and come to terms with the fact that people are going to screw up. They are going to drink too much and flunk out of classes. They are going to gain 60 pounds in 9 months and date the wrong people. He loves them for who they are and wants the best for them, but he has also learned that it's part of life to screw up and everyone's got to have their own huge mistakes and there is nothing that anyone else can do about it.

He smiles and shakes his head and kind of giggles to himself when I express my frustration at watching someone I love make decisions in their lives that I feel are mistakes. He doesn't laugh at them. In fact, he might be laughing at me. At my desire to change the world and the course of people's fate. But he does it out of love and it's something I have come to see in his interpretation of people and desire in mine.

I got to thinking about all of this the other day in thinking about decisions of students, friends, family and most of all, my son. :) It was a rough parenting day yesterday. He's 5 now and he's fighting for his independence. We listed all the things that he would learn to do by himself now that he's five. He's going to ride his bike without training wheels, learn to read, learn to tie his shoes. The biggest one for him was pouring his own cereal in the morning. He'll get the bowl. He'll decide how much cereal and how much milk is enough and get more if he needs it. Independence. As his mother, and a woman in my 30's, it's my job to let go and let him make his own decisions and mistakes. Sometimes it's spilled milk. Sometimes it's too much cereal. Whatever it is, it's small in the bigger scheme of learning. Then there was the old "love and logic" standard argument about his coat! He didn't want to wear his coat. I argued. Then I remembered to let go, he went without a coat, he froze and he learned. Had I let go and allowed him to make his decision for himself to begin with, we wouldn't have had the power struggle and he still would have learned the lesson. Not the lesson of "do what mom says because she's usually right", but the lesson of "making sure that I have a coat when I go outside in case I get cold".

My 30's have meant turning over a new leaf. Putting my money in order. Getting my body in shape. Remodeling my home into something I can live in FOREVER! My 30s have been exciting so far. I need to remember that although I am in my 30s and loving it, my son is only just starting on his journey at 5 years of age and needs to make his own mistakes and fail on his own. I need to remember that the decisions that my family, friends, and students make are theirs and not mine. I need to keep my grandfather's face in my mind and smile and not judge. I need to learn to find the balance between guiding my son in his learning and making his decisions for him. My 30s are going to be the best decade yet and I'm so excited for them.