Happy Birthday to me!

Well, yesterday was my birthday. Being that I blog, it should come as no surprise that I write myself birthday letters every year that I seal and opening the following year. For the most part they are a review of what has happened over the year, a review of how I did on the goals I had set for myself and a time to set new goals for the next year. I found that I actually did pretty well meeting all the goals that I needed to meet for the year and was very happy with the progress that I had made in my life. It really is amazing how much stuff can happen in a year. It seems like every birthday letter I have written in the last (at least) 5 years has had a divorce or marriage, or death, or birth, or some kind of major event in my family dynamics. There have been lots of trips and lots of fun times and some hard times too. It's great to keep them and go back over them and see what a difference a year can make. I love them and look forward to writing and reading them every year.

I had a great birthday! I taught in the afternoon and went out for a beer with my hubby in the evening and then out for a date night to hear George Winston in concert here in La Grande. The man was great! I enjoyed the concert very much. There is a lot of talk going around as to whether what he does is art. I think it's silly to even question. Just because some people aren't fond of that kind of music or whatever doesn't mean that it isn't an art form. It was great and I will probably go again if he comes again next year.

My grandparents are in town tonight and staying over on their way back down to Yuma for the winter. I am excited to see them, but sad that I still have to go back to work tonight for another few hours. I already taught EOU kids this morning and would have liked to stay home now. :) Oh well, I can't complain, it's a great job!

So, I have to admit something and I am kind of hoping that it doesn't affect anyone too badly that I am going to put it on my blog, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I have had a lot of trouble (especially lately) finding balance in my life. I know we all struggle with that and lately, I have struggled a lot. Especially when it comes to Ethan. Sarah is such a fabulous care giver for him while I work, that I could never have asked for better! In fact, she's so good that now he doesn't want to come home and when she is visiting our house, he goes to her when he needs something. I would imagine that for a full time working mom it's probably even much worse, but it kills me. Granted, (and I've told her all of this) I am really really really really glad that it's her and not some stranger at a day care. But that doesn't make it any easier. I have a lot of guilt about the fact that I work. I feel that I need to work at this point in our financial life and even if I didn't have to, I would want to. I love my job, I love my students and I am passionate about what I do. I think it takes a special kind of person to stay home all day and I don't have what it takes. I want to be out with people and I love my job! But since the start of the term, it's been extra hard to leave Ethan and go to work in the morning 3 days per week. So that's an issue in and of itself and the past week, someone made a comment to me about how "lucky" I was that I didn't have to stay with 3 kids all day and that I got to leave the chaos and go to work to escape it all. That was the indication anyway because one of the boys was throwing a fit at the time I had to leave. It really hurt to hear how "lucky" I was because I'm not lucky. I am a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, and .... when I am working and have structure to my day. I spend more quality time doing fun things with Ethan because my time is somewhat limited. I cried that day. I cried all the way to work and I walked, so it was a while! I don't think she (it wasn't Sarah) meant to hurt my feelings with her comment, but she did. Then, when I went to pick Ethan up, I offered for him to give hugs goodbye and he didn't want to. He just snuggled closer into my neck and the same person said that I was just doing that to make myself feel better. I couldn't believe the comment. I was really hurt and ended up crying all the way home and for most of the rest of the afternoon. I struggle a lot to balance all the things that I do and all the different roles that I play in life and it's really hard when I know that people are judging me the whole time about the decisions that I make. I think that I am a better mom because I work and I think that Ethan will be a more rounded person because he is growing up spending 20 hours per week with his cousins. I think he is getting the benefits. I know that I am doing the right thing even though I have days where it's a bit much. I am a busy person and I have a lot going on, but my situation is how Sam and I want it to be. If I didn't like my life the way it was, I have the power to change it, but I am happy. Except that day. It's hard when you are going along and start questioning yourself and then have someone you look up to and admire hint that you are doing everything wrong. It really set me back for a couple of days. I was off my game at work and questioning everything I do. It also made me think about things that I say to people. Students, friends, my spouse...if she had such an impact on me, I need to watch what I say to others because for some people, maybe I have that kind of impact on their day. Anyway, I'll get off the subject, but I wanted to get it off my chest because it occassionally keeps coming up for me to deal with.

On the whole, things are going great! I got the best compliment ever today! Someone said that I "have a very successful life". She was right! I have an education and am furthering it to the next level, I have a great job and great prospects for the future, I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. I have a great extended family and a nice home to live in with a few nice things. Life is good and when I look at the big picture, I have no right to complain. Life is great and I have led a successful life and am pleased with where we are and how far we've come. We have had our share of hurdles to get through and over and some have even tripped us up a little, but we've always hung in there and I know for myself, I have a lot to show for my 28 years on this planet! :)

So, happy birthday to me and many happy returns to you all!