pushing my limits...

I do this thing. I do this thing where I expect more of myself than I am capable of accomplishing. I think lots of people do it to themselves. It's self-sabotage. I remember a while ago I asked a counselor for some advice on how to balance things in my life. "How can I be a teacher, a business owner, a mother, a wife, a friend, a sibling, and still have balance?" She told me there was no way one person could do all of those things in a "balanced" way. "It's the work of 4 or 5 people," she said. "How can one person do all of those things equally well? You can't...there has to be a system of priority." Well, she was right (just like always...). And yet, I still seem to have these times where I expect myself to be better than I can humanly be.

At this moment in my life, I am talking about being involved with the Phantom of the Opera production at Eastern Oregon University. It's been a fun experience and the cast and crew have been amazing and I am glad that I had the chance to be involved, however, I am feeling like I have failed them today. I feel like there is so much more they need before the show opens (in two days!). Again, I have done all that is humanly possible. I have worked my tail off with 4 and 5 hours of rehearsal per night for the past 3 weeks, 5+ hours of office time devoted to Phantom cast every week, not to mention the hours of score study I had to do to learn how to conduct! :) (Andrew Lloyd Webber is a madman! Who puts a 15/16 bar, 2/4 bar, 7/8 bar and 5/4 bar back to back?!? :)) Anyway...I am just feeling like there has not been enough time (5 1/2 weeks total from callbacks-instead of the normal 8 weeks) to allow me (and the students are included in this) to be successful. I was disappointed in the run through last night and disappointed with the coming together of the singers and the orchestra. Not disappointed in the effort, but disappointed in the product. I just hope that it all comes together in the end for a fantastic performance and I hope that I have been of some help to someone in this process. I think that is always the trouble with teaching. You don't know if you've made a difference until later. :(

So, I was up until the wee hours of the morning trying to shut off my mind from all this processing and no one to talk to (because it was the wee hours of the morning). Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep and I still don't have much of a solution.

My amazing husband and reminded me that I knew going into this experience that it was going to be hard and nearly impossible to do everything that needed to be done in only 5 weeks time. And yet, here I am upset with myself for not doing a better job. I need to remember that I worked as hard as I possibly could and that's all a woman can do. The show must go on....(and up!)